Let’s Talk About Marriage and Sex

Some time ago, my 12 year old son surprised my husband and I. We were having a relaxing moment together, just laying in our bed, (okay we were spooning - fully clothed though, and laughing and talking), and my son walked past our open door and said “I’m watching you two!”.

 I was pleased and shocked at the same time. Pleased because we’ve brought up our boys to think about intimacy and sex as a normal, though sacred part of life, and here it was this lesson had kicked in. Surprised because, well, even if you aim to teach a lesson as brazen as “there is everything right with sex between married people”, it still jars your traditional throwback self when you see how it plays out in real life in your twelve year old son.

 But I’m done with the hypocrisy surrounding sex and desire and intimacy and marriage. I had something of an epiphany during the first week in November, 2020. Coming out of my inaugural To All The Girls Conference on October 31, I realized that a lot of women, especially married women like me, want solutions to make our sexual relationships fulfilling and exciting.

 The reasons we struggle sexually in a marriage are all valid, but are cause for much shame and pain. For some people, having great sex is complicated by past sexual abuse and trauma. For others, menopause is setting in and they have lost their sex drive. Some of us still have small kids, while others are becoming empty nesters and hating it. Some people have partners who shame them, or ridicule their efforts, or don’t respond to their sexual advances. Some women just don’t know what to do to have great sex, or don’t know how good it can get. Some women saved themselves for marriage and then ended up in loveless, sexless marriages.

 These are all serious reasons to get serious help, through therapists in your neck of the woods, through remote counselling services, or talking to a trusted, older friend who has been married a long time - to name a few avenues. All of these are available to the woman who has issues that need attention. I encourage you to reach out and get the appropriate help if you need it.

 However, I think there is also space to discuss the everyday relationship, you know? The relationship that is not bad, but not awesome either, with sex that is not bad, but not mind blowing either.

 How is your sex life? Are you enjoying it, looking forward to it? Does it make you relax or create anxiety? Do you see it as a chore, a duty to be fulfilled? Ugh!

 God made marriage. And while it was meant for a lot more than just physical fulfilment, I am pretty sure God put sexual satisfaction HIGH on the list. Why then, do so many married couples struggle with sex? I don’t have all of the answers, but I know where to get them, lol. I’m going to start speaking with, and introducing us to experts who can help us to feel sexy and own our marriages. Check out my interview with one such expert, Lilian Amaka Okocha.

In the meantime, can I ask you a few girl-to-girl questions? How do you feel about sex? Is it a source of relaxation, of enjoyment? Is it traumatic or unpleasant? Is it “Meh! Neither here nor there?” What does the sexy you feel like? Are you expressive or quiet? Do you ask for what you want or not? Do you laugh? Look your partner in the eye or avoid looking at him at all costs? We’re all different, but sex takes on a different feel when you do it with someone you love and are committed to, in covenant relationship. I don’t know how to explain it. I just know that sex felt differently in marriage than out of marriage. That’s the honest, naked truth.

 I say we start from knowing that God meant for us to enjoy sex. It is not embarrassing, or a big dirty secret, or a chore. It’s beautiful, intimate and the source of awesome pleasure and power. When you tap into your sexual self, you can transform a humdrum bedroom life into an amazing, novel experience for both you and your partner. Read books, read blogs (like this one), spend some time with your body. Make an effort to open up to the partner you made a covenant with, and encourage him to do the same. Don’t let people’s opinions creep into your bedroom. Between the two of you, you can create a world that is so intimate, private and special that no one on the outside would guess who the two of you can become. Go for it.

I’ll be talking a lot more about sex in marriage you guys. I feel like I have a mission now, to help married women to have great sex. I’m not a guru...yet. What I do have is a very healthy relationship to sex and marriage, and from what I see, that is the half of formula for great sex.